April 7, 2026
BONUS Throwback Episode - Dr. Benjamin Hardy from April 2018
The player is loading ...
Send us Fan Mail Benjamin Hardy is Medium.com’s number one writer, a PhD candidate at Clemson University and the author of Willpower Doesn’t Work: Discover the Hidden Keys to Success. In his book, Benjamin addresses the concept willpower is nothing more than a dangerous fad that is bound to lead to failure. He focuses on self-improvement, motivation and entrepreneurship. Benjamin has been featured on Forbes, Huffington Post and Business Insider, just to name a few. In this podcast Benjamin di...
Benjamin Hardy is Medium.com’s number one writer, a PhD candidate at Clemson University and the author of Willpower Doesn’t Work: Discover the Hidden Keys to Success. In his book, Benjamin addresses the concept willpower is nothing more than a dangerous fad that is bound to lead to failure. He focuses on self-improvement, motivation and entrepreneurship. Benjamin has been featured on Forbes, Huffington Post and Business Insider, just to name a few.
In this podcast Benjamin discusses the importance of failure, how people are impacted by their surroundings and environment, determining factors of success and why willpower doesn’t work.
Show Notes:
- Benefits of failure (1:52)
- Failures that set you up for success (3:00)
- There’s a difference between having a large email list and having a loyal following (3:35)
- How people can surround themselves with people and things that help them reach their goals (4:33)
- The power of subconscious behavior (6:00)
- How people are reactively becoming the product of a destructive environment (7:05)
- Creating an environment that facilitates your goals and aligns with the person you want to become (7:20)
- Why willpower isn’t a good way to solve problems (8:00)
- Determining factors in who you are, who you become and the decisions you make (9:01)
- Changes people can make to invest in themselves and upgrade their environment (11:40)
- The difference between entrepreneurs and “wanna be” entrepreneurs (14:48)
- Trends of unsuccessful leaders (18:40)
- Becoming a mentor, motivator and source of inspiration (25:28)
- Thinking at scale (27:40)
- Being changed by your experiences (29:00)
- What Benjamin would put on a billboard (29:45)
Links:
Connect with the Passing the Torch podcast:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/torchfoster
IG: https://www.instagram.com/torchmartin/
Website: https://www.passingthetorchpod.com/
Connect with Ben Hardy:
Quotes:
You get in life what you are willing to tolerate. If people treat you poorly, it’s because you tolerate that.
Once you start investing money in yourself, you start creating your subconscious beliefs about what you can have.
There’s no way you can will your way out of something.
Leadership in general is not something you can rush through.
Connect with Passing The Torch: Facebook and IG: @torchmartin
More Amazing Stories:
Episode 41: Lee Ellis – Freeing You From Bond That Make You Insecure
Episode 81: Kurt Warner – Perseverance, Humility, and Lighting the Way
Episode 90: Michelle 'MACE' Curran – How to Turn Fear into Fuel
------------
© 2026 TORCH LEAP®, LLC. All rights reserved.
Transcript
WEBVTT
00:00:00.400 --> 00:00:05.200
Bill Walsh said, If your why is strong enough, you will figure out how.
00:00:05.440 --> 00:00:09.119
My guest on this episode of Passing the Torch Podcast is Benjamin Hardy.
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:12.800
Benjamin Hardy is Medium.com's number one writer.
00:00:13.039 --> 00:00:20.320
He is a PhD candidate at Clemson University and author of the book Willpower Doesn't Work and Discover the Hidden Keys to Success.
00:00:20.559 --> 00:00:28.079
And the book, he describes how making small yet impactful changes to everyday life can help create a healthy environment that sets us up for success.
00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:38.560
From simple steps to remove what conflicts with your values, for example, junk food and toxic people, to incorporating new tools like fasting or embedding positive triggers to avoid self-sabotage.
00:00:38.799 --> 00:00:44.719
Benjamin Hardy's strategies help to proactively shape your surroundings so that you can consciously evolve into the person you've always wanted to become.
00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:47.280
We rely on willpower to create change in our lives.
00:00:47.600 --> 00:00:49.520
But what if we've been thinking about this all wrong?
00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:56.960
In the book, Willpower Doesn't Work, Benjamin Hardy explains that willpower is nothing more than a dangerous fad, one that is bound to lead to failure.
00:00:57.359 --> 00:01:02.320
Instead of white knuckling your way to change, you need to instead alter your surroundings to support your goals.
00:01:02.640 --> 00:01:08.400
The reason I asked Ben to be on my show, his writing focuses on self-improvement, motivation, and entrepreneurship.
00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:13.439
He is fueled by personal experiences, self-directed education, and formal education.
00:01:13.680 --> 00:01:15.760
Without further ado, Ben, how's it going?
00:01:16.400 --> 00:01:16.879
Good, brother.
00:01:16.959 --> 00:01:17.840
Good to be here with you.
00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:18.879
Thank you so much.
00:01:19.200 --> 00:01:23.200
I was doing a lot of research about you, and you have a pretty long bio.
00:01:23.359 --> 00:01:28.319
You've been featured on Forbes, CNBC, The Huffington Post, Business Insider.
00:01:28.480 --> 00:01:29.840
That's just to name a few.
00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:33.280
How exciting is all the success and what motivates you to keep pressing?
00:01:33.599 --> 00:01:35.599
I guess it's pretty exciting.
00:01:35.760 --> 00:01:49.120
You kind of there's a really good book called Relentless by Tim Grover, and he talks about how you kind of get to a point where, well, and this is true psychologically as well, that kind of the failures always feel a lot harder than the successes.
00:01:49.200 --> 00:01:56.400
So it's kind of I think for people who are really fueled by success, the successes actually don't really feel that great because you just get kind of like waiting for what's next.
00:01:56.799 --> 00:02:01.359
It's kind of it's good to always enjoy the journey to appreciate what you have.
00:02:01.439 --> 00:02:03.200
And I actually like being humbled.
00:02:03.280 --> 00:02:05.680
So like I've I've had plenty of big failures lately.
00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:08.800
I love pursuing big things, things I've never tried before.
00:02:08.879 --> 00:02:13.439
I like being stretched, but I also like the humility that's required when you when you fail.
00:02:13.599 --> 00:02:24.639
And I I've kind of gone through a lot of that lately as far as just good and nice failures uh that obviously set things up for future success, but failure keeps you humble and keeps you grounded while you're going forward.
00:02:24.800 --> 00:02:26.719
So it's it's all just a good journey, you know.
00:02:26.800 --> 00:02:27.599
I mean, I love it all.
00:02:27.919 --> 00:02:28.159
Yeah.
00:02:28.400 --> 00:02:29.919
So you you talked about failure.
00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:34.000
How has a failure or an apparent apparent failure in the past set you up for later success?
00:02:34.159 --> 00:02:36.400
Like you have a favorite failure story?
00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:38.000
You know, share what recently happened.
00:02:38.159 --> 00:02:51.520
So like I recently came out with my book, Willpower Doesn't Work, which, you know, relatively speaking, has done very well, but it wasn't what I wanted it to be, what I expected it to be, what I thought would happen as far as just the breakout success.
00:02:51.599 --> 00:02:52.800
It wasn't yet that.
00:02:53.039 --> 00:03:02.319
It made me realize that even though I have this quote unquote huge audience, that audience isn't necessarily as loyal and powerful as it appears to be.
00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:14.400
You know, like you can talk about the size of an email list, you know, and about how my email list is huge and that I've grown I've grown it faster than probably almost any other self-improvement writer or not, you know, nonfiction writer.
00:03:14.479 --> 00:03:22.879
I've been very fast in my growth, but when the book came out, you know, there was a very unexpectedly small amount of people on that list who bought the book.
00:03:23.039 --> 00:03:28.159
And that made me realize that there's a huge difference between having a huge email list and having a loyal following.
00:03:28.319 --> 00:03:36.639
And although I've got quote unquote the 1000 true fans, in order to actually succeed the way I want to, I need to have a really loyal followership.
00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:39.759
So quality is a lot more important to me than quantity at this point.
00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:54.960
And so my goals as far as 2018 is not necessarily to blow this thing up, although I'm going to keep growing fast, but it's more to hone in and just, you know, really develop trust and loyal, loyal followership and just really give value.
00:03:55.120 --> 00:04:04.800
I mean, all these are good, hard lessons learned, and you know, and if I would have just, let's just say, hit the New York Times bestseller list right off the bat, which is what I expected, a lot of these lessons might not have internalized.
00:04:05.039 --> 00:04:08.879
That's a great response, and I love that you shared a recent personal story.
00:04:09.120 --> 00:04:13.919
All right, so staying on the topic of your book, Will Peril Doesn't Work, discover the hidden keys to success.
00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:17.680
It shows us how to alter surroundings to really support our goals.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:19.279
How can people accomplish this?
00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:23.120
How can people surround themselves with things that really help promote their goals?
00:04:23.519 --> 00:04:28.160
Well, I think the first thing a person needs to do is they need to realize that they are actually the product of their environment.
00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:30.240
You know, you're in the military, you know this.
00:04:30.399 --> 00:04:41.839
Who you are when you're, you know, you would hope that you're the same, you know, diligent, hardworking person, but I'm guessing that the person that is required of you when you joined the military was probably different than the expectations before you went in.
00:04:41.920 --> 00:04:45.040
You know, there's a different set of rules, guidelines, expectations.
00:04:45.199 --> 00:04:53.199
And if you actually truly take those things seriously, then you know, you're probably demanded and expected to become a different person because of that environment.
00:04:53.439 --> 00:04:59.040
The truth is that who a person is at any one time is because of the situation around them.
00:04:59.279 --> 00:05:03.199
In psychological terms, we say that almost all behavior is outsourced to your environment.
00:05:03.360 --> 00:05:15.519
So, like a really easy example, a couple easy examples are like if you're on an airplane, you're not gonna smoke, even if you're a smoker, because you know, at least in the in the US, you're not allowed to smoke on most airplanes, you know, and so you just can't do it.
00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:20.560
And so because of that, your behavior is gonna be guided by the environment or by the rules of the situation.
00:05:20.879 --> 00:05:36.560
When it comes to like driving a car, you know, when you first start learning how to drive, you have to be thinking about every single little detail, how you know soft you push the gas pedal, how hard you push things, you know, like your your brain's going a million miles an hour because you're trying to figure out how to operate this vehicle.
00:05:36.720 --> 00:05:38.079
You get doing it a lot of times.
00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:44.879
Eventually it becomes automatic and subconscious, and you can drive while you're on the phone, while you're doing a million different things and you don't even realize you're driving.
00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:47.680
And so the idea is that most behavior is subconscious.
00:05:47.920 --> 00:05:52.399
Most behavior is automatic, and it's based on the environments you're in, the people you're around.
00:05:52.639 --> 00:06:01.199
And so who you are, how you behave, what you do, all of that is based on what's around you, the situations, and most people's behavior is unconscious.
00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:08.000
And the reason that's such a big deal is because we live in a really, you know, addiction stimulus environment.
00:06:08.160 --> 00:06:11.920
Like, you know, the first thing that most people do when they wake up is they check their smartphone.
00:06:12.079 --> 00:06:19.360
You know, so if you think about it in terms of like the airplane, like their environment's been set up for them to immediately become distracted, the first thing they do when they wake up.
00:06:19.519 --> 00:06:22.000
You know, most people eat packaged, unhealthy food.
00:06:22.079 --> 00:06:25.439
Most people are addicted to stimulants, like most people are distracted at work.
00:06:25.600 --> 00:06:27.519
Like all of these things are happening for a reason.
00:06:27.680 --> 00:06:29.680
It's because of the situation that's been built.
00:06:29.920 --> 00:06:36.560
You know, before cell phones existed and stuff like that, when people were working on farms, people had a different mentality.
00:06:36.639 --> 00:06:41.839
You know, and I'm not saying that today's mentality is bad, is what I'm saying is there's a really good quote from Dr.
00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:42.959
Marshall Goldsmith.
00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:44.000
He wrote the book Triggers.
00:06:44.079 --> 00:06:48.160
And he says, if you do not create and control your environment, your environment will create and control you.
00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:49.680
And that's what's happening to most people.
00:06:49.839 --> 00:07:00.079
Most people are reactively becoming the product of a destructive environment, one that's creating lots of addiction, a lot of distraction, low performance.
00:07:00.240 --> 00:07:12.399
And so, you know, the only way to really thrive and to intentionally become the person you want to be is to create an environment that not only facilitates your goals, but that aligns with the person you want to become.
00:07:12.720 --> 00:07:13.680
That's the only way.
00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:20.639
You can't, you know, and and the alternative to actually changing your environment is to try to use willpower.
00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:33.279
You know, so if your environment conflicts with your goals, and if you're trying to figure out what you want to do, if you're trying to make a decision and you're not sure what you're gonna do, and if there's conflict between you and your environment, then that's willpower.
00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:37.040
That's you trying to overcome some environment.
00:07:37.199 --> 00:07:40.800
And willpower, as the research shows, is a finite resource.
00:07:41.040 --> 00:07:41.839
It runs out.
00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:46.720
So if you haven't already made the decision about what you're gonna do, then the situation is gonna take control.
00:07:46.879 --> 00:07:50.480
Uh that's why they say that 100% commitment is better than 98% commitment.
00:07:50.560 --> 00:07:57.680
Because if you're only 98% committed, then you're gonna have to make a choice in every situation, and usually the situation's gonna win.
00:07:57.839 --> 00:08:05.199
So willpower is a really horrible, non-intentional way of trying to solve problems.
00:08:05.600 --> 00:08:06.879
I've never thought about it like that.
00:08:07.040 --> 00:08:08.560
That's that's some great insight.
00:08:08.800 --> 00:08:17.040
So you talked about it's important for people just to really control their surroundings and set themselves up with success with whatever's in their environment.
00:08:17.199 --> 00:08:24.079
How important is it for the the people in your proximity to surround yourself with successful people uh in your own personal world?
00:08:24.480 --> 00:08:24.879
Yeah.
00:08:25.120 --> 00:08:28.000
The book was actually going to be called The Proximity Effect.
00:08:28.160 --> 00:08:30.639
But last minute I changed the title to Willpower doesn't work.
00:08:31.040 --> 00:08:36.799
So obviously, proximity, you know, is what shapes you, it's what's around you, it's what it's what's most immediately around you.
00:08:36.879 --> 00:08:43.440
So yeah, obviously the people around you are probably one of the biggest determining factors in who you are and who you become.
00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:47.759
So there's a lot of cool ideas to kind of reinforce this idea.
00:08:47.840 --> 00:08:50.960
Number one is the pygmalion effect, it's a psychological idea.
00:08:51.120 --> 00:08:57.679
You know, there's a lot of research on this idea called the Pygmalion effect, and basically what it means is that you rise up or fall to the expectations of those around you.
00:08:57.919 --> 00:08:58.159
Yeah.
00:08:58.320 --> 00:09:05.360
Uh so you know, if you if if you're around, you know, good leaders and stuff like that, and if there's a high expectation that you succeed, then you can rise up.
00:09:05.600 --> 00:09:09.840
If there's a low expectation, if you're around people with low standards, you're probably going to lower your own standards, sadly.
00:09:10.080 --> 00:09:12.080
And so that's that's one concept.
00:09:12.320 --> 00:09:19.679
Another concept is that most people don't actually act according to their value system, they actually act according to the social norms around them.
00:09:19.840 --> 00:09:23.840
So like just a I'll just give a really broad example in America.
00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:28.399
So most people, my guess would be in America, have the value of being healthy.
00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:30.480
Like most people probably want to be healthy.
00:09:30.639 --> 00:09:30.720
Sure.
00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:33.919
Yet like 60 plus percent of America is obese.
00:09:34.080 --> 00:09:34.639
Why is that?
00:09:34.799 --> 00:09:41.120
Like, it's because the social norms of the environment are, you know, to eat like crap.
00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:45.919
You know, and so like it people aren't unhealthy because they don't value health.
00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:48.480
They're unhealthy because the people around them aren't healthy.
00:09:48.639 --> 00:09:56.000
And so, you know, if you want to look at a person's life, you don't necessarily look at their values, you actually look at their social norms.
00:09:56.240 --> 00:10:02.799
And so, yeah, I mean, who, you know, obviously Jim Rohn said, you know, you're the product of the five people you spend the most time with.
00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:04.720
And that's pretty true.
00:10:04.960 --> 00:10:10.080
So if you want to become a millionaire as an example, you need to figure out how to surround yourself with millionaires.
00:10:10.320 --> 00:10:21.679
And I talk exactly about how to do that in the book, you know, about how to invest in the right mentorships, masterminds, or environments, or relationships, how to actually surround yourself with the types of people you intend to be like.
00:10:21.840 --> 00:10:26.879
There's a really powerful quote from Dan Sullivan, he's the founder of Strategic Coach.
00:10:26.960 --> 00:10:33.679
And he said it's better to surround yourself with people who remind you of your future than people who remind you of your past.
00:10:33.840 --> 00:10:37.840
So if you want to be a millionaire in your future, you need to surround yourself with people who remind you of that future.
00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:47.279
If you want to stay the same, and if you if you want to get caught in repetitious patterns, then just continue to remind yourself with people who remind you of your past, and that's where you'll stay.
00:10:47.840 --> 00:10:53.279
What are some because it just seems like it all kind of ties into people really need to invest in themselves.
00:10:53.519 --> 00:11:01.440
And what are some of the small basic changes that people can do just to really in fact invest in themselves and just uh overall upgrade their environment?
00:11:02.080 --> 00:11:07.519
Yeah, well, so I mean you have to obviously you've got to invest in yourself.
00:11:07.759 --> 00:11:14.559
So there's I mean, I'll just start with the basics, you know, for people who haven't really done this a lot.
00:11:14.879 --> 00:11:17.519
So on a subconscious level.
00:11:17.759 --> 00:11:21.759
So subconsciously, you know, your subconscious mind and your conscious mind are two different things.
00:11:21.840 --> 00:11:25.120
Your subconscious is like your values, the things you actually believe.
00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:27.279
And there's a really good quote from Dr.
00:11:27.440 --> 00:11:28.159
David Hawkins.
00:11:28.399 --> 00:11:30.639
He wrote a book called Power versus Force.
00:11:30.879 --> 00:11:36.159
And he says, basically, that the unconscious will only allow you to have what you believe you deserve.
00:11:36.320 --> 00:11:41.679
So like if you look around your life, if you look at your success, your results, everything, it's a product of what you believe you deserve.
00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:44.000
Tony Robbins actually said something sort of similar.
00:11:44.080 --> 00:11:46.000
He said, You get in life what you're willing to tolerate.
00:11:46.159 --> 00:11:46.320
Yeah.
00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:51.519
So if you're willing to if you're willing to tolerate, you know, being fat, then that's what you're gonna have.
00:11:51.679 --> 00:11:55.919
If you're willing to tolerate bad, you know, bad habits, you know, you're gonna have bad habits.
00:11:56.000 --> 00:11:58.799
If you're willing to tolerate not making a lot of money, you're gonna not make a lot of money.
00:11:58.960 --> 00:12:00.559
Like you get in life what you're willing to tolerate.
00:12:00.639 --> 00:12:02.960
If people treat you poorly, it's because you tolerate that.
00:12:03.200 --> 00:12:27.120
And so when you start investing money in yourself, when you start investing even small amounts of money, whether that be in education, whether that even be as a form of donation, whether you know, whether that be just, you know, to learn new skills and abilities, once you start investing money in yourself, you start upgrading your psychological sense, your subconscious beliefs about what you can have.
00:12:27.360 --> 00:12:41.679
So, like, just as an example, like I started writing online about three years ago, a little less than three years ago, but in about May of 2015, I bought an online course and it it was$197, not that big of an investment.
00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:44.720
But, you know,$197 is$197.
00:12:45.200 --> 00:12:45.279
Yeah.
00:12:45.519 --> 00:12:47.039
And I was a grad student.
00:12:47.279 --> 00:12:54.960
And basically what the course taught me how to do was it taught me how to write headlines, it taught me how to structure my articles so that I could learn how to go viral.
00:12:55.120 --> 00:13:00.240
You know, and if had had I not invested in that course, my success would have gone a lot slower.
00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:07.200
You know, but when you when you just pay money and you can just quickly learn skills, there's a few things that happen.
00:13:07.360 --> 00:13:10.159
First off, you get you can get information faster.
00:13:10.399 --> 00:13:13.759
Second off, when you invest in something, you become more committed to it.
00:13:13.919 --> 00:13:18.240
You know, like there's uh an idea in economics, it's called sunk cost bias.
00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:24.960
And basically what it means is that the more financially invested or even invested in any way that you become to something, the harder it is to quit that thing.
00:13:25.200 --> 00:13:34.320
So like if you've been trying if you know, if you're like 50% through a movie, for example, it's kind of harder to just say, oh, let's just turn it off.
00:13:34.399 --> 00:13:40.720
You know, if it if if 10 minutes in the movie it sucks, you're just like, ah, you're not you're not yet that deep into it, so you you could probably turn it off.
00:13:40.799 --> 00:13:43.440
But if you're almost done with it, you're probably just gonna finish it.
00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:44.000
Absolutely.
00:13:44.320 --> 00:13:44.399
Right.
00:13:44.480 --> 00:13:44.559
Yeah.
00:13:45.120 --> 00:13:46.799
Because you're like, oh, we've already watched this much, you know.
00:13:46.879 --> 00:13:52.080
So the idea is that the more commit the more invested you are into something, the more committed you become.
00:13:52.320 --> 00:13:58.559
And so when you start investing money in yourself, you start becoming more committed to your to whatever it is you're doing.
00:13:58.720 --> 00:14:04.639
And uh that's basically what I've been studying out uh throughout my PhD is what's the difference between entrepreneurs and want to be entrepreneurs.
00:14:04.879 --> 00:14:13.039
And uh I would say that the fundamental difference is that at some point or another, once a person starts investing money in something, they start to become really committed to it.
00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:15.919
And then they start to transform their identity around that thing.
00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:21.600
And so if you really want to go from being a dreamer to a doer, you need to start investing money in your goals.
00:14:21.759 --> 00:14:29.600
And then once you start investing and you start developing skills, you start developing confidence, you start developing commitment, then you'll start to become more successful.
00:14:29.679 --> 00:14:34.799
And then you just want to increase the investments, and eventually the investments stop being in you.
00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:40.399
They stop being in your own skill development, and eventually those investments start to be on relationships.
00:14:40.559 --> 00:14:56.720
You start investing in other people's goals, you start investing in mentorships as well, you start investing in mastermind groups or different types of connections, you know, and that's where you know you can really put yourself in proximity to anyone, really.
00:14:57.039 --> 00:15:07.519
I mean, you know, just as an example, you know, yesterday I spent you know several hours with Kevin Harrington, who's one of the sharks on Shark Tank, you know, or he was one of the sharks on Shark Tank.
00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:09.679
He's a you know, nearly a billionaire.
00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:11.919
And you know, I got to spend a lot of time with him.
00:15:12.000 --> 00:15:13.600
I'm actually gonna co-author a book with him.
00:15:14.240 --> 00:15:25.039
And it's like, yeah, I mean, it's it's it's it's interesting, but it's just what what's more interesting, you know, than that fact is just how quickly you can adapt to environments.
00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:36.000
Like when you purposefully and consciously begin to shape your environment, and when you begin to consciously put yourself around people who you want to become like or people who you want to learn from, then it just becomes normal.
00:15:36.240 --> 00:15:39.679
You know, you quickly adapt to your environment and it becomes your new normal.
00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:43.919
And then that becomes subconscious, just like driving the car, and then that just becomes who you are.
00:15:44.159 --> 00:15:51.519
So it's something that anyone can apply, and in my opinion, it's really the only way to actually make long-term permanent change in your life.
00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:58.399
Like if you have these goals in your head or these desires to do things, it's just like the value system to not be, you know, to be healthy.
00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:05.679
If you're continually going to surround yourself with people who are fat, it doesn't matter if you and I don't like using it that way.
00:16:05.840 --> 00:16:12.639
If you surround yourself with people who are overweight, you know, like it doesn't matter if you want to be healthy, you will not be healthy.
00:16:12.799 --> 00:16:24.639
It doesn't, you know, and so if you have these goals or these intentions or these or these dreams, if you don't change your environment to support those things, you will always live in internal conflict.
00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:29.840
And you may try to exert willpower from time to time to try to get yourself to move, but it's not going to work.
00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:35.279
So it's the only you know, in my opinion, this is really the only way to transform yourself long term.
00:16:35.759 --> 00:16:40.799
What are some of the negative overall fads and just uh negative trends that you see when leaders fail?
00:16:40.960 --> 00:16:43.039
Or people in leadership positions whenever they fail.
00:16:43.360 --> 00:16:53.919
They don't necessarily they they actually leaders try to expect people to use willpower to change their life rather than the leader coming in and helping alter the person's situation.
00:16:54.240 --> 00:17:01.919
So, like, just as an example, when it comes to behavior change or even addiction, the opposite of addiction is connection.
00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:04.240
Like, you can't will your way out of an addiction.
00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:12.160
Any researcher, any professional on addiction will say that trying to use willpower to overcome an addiction is so stupid.
00:17:12.400 --> 00:17:18.319
I mean, it's what most people try to do, and the reason why is because addiction is a very isolated behavior.
00:17:18.400 --> 00:17:23.119
You know, when you when you're addicted to something, you're you're actually purposefully disconnecting from other people.
00:17:23.279 --> 00:17:27.759
You isolate yourself and you're trying to win a silent battle, you're trying to white knuckle it.
00:17:27.920 --> 00:17:39.440
And the only way out is actually through connecting with other people, through developing bonds, through having something deeper and more meaningful to connect to, and and also you need other people and you need to connect with other people to realize you're not alone.
00:17:39.519 --> 00:17:42.400
You know, you need to be vulnerable, share your story and stuff.
00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:51.759
Well, when it comes to making any change, I'll just give an example as a parent, you know, because for three years my wife and I were foster parents and we recently just adopted our kids, which is awesome.
00:17:51.920 --> 00:17:58.640
But like my ten-year-old son, he has like this aversion to writing.
00:17:58.799 --> 00:18:03.119
We want him to write in his journal, and his teachers do too, because his writing's way behind.
00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:10.000
We want him to write in his journal for about you know one page a night, and we'll give him a topic or he can choose his own topic.
00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:13.200
Well, a couple weeks ago, he was just struggling.
00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:24.559
He had written like two sentences, and he just was he hit this wall where he couldn't do it, and he was complaining, he was coming up with every excuse in the book why he couldn't just do it, and he was trying to get out of it, and he started crying.
00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:31.759
And he was just like doing all of these I don't know if it's manipulative, he was just doing everything he could to like not do it.
00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:35.359
And I was just kind of sitting next to him, I wasn't fully present, wasn't fully engaged.
00:18:35.519 --> 00:18:42.880
I was kind of just chilling on the couch next to him, maybe looking at my phone, or just doing something while he was on the table next to me, writing, struggling.
00:18:43.039 --> 00:18:43.200
Yeah.
00:18:43.440 --> 00:18:49.359
And and and from time to time I would say, you know, in this case, he was writing about the seven months he spent at a group home.
00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:55.759
So I said, Caleb, there's no way that you can't think of more to write about, you know, like, you know, you were there for seven months.
00:18:55.839 --> 00:18:57.680
Like, what about like what did you do?
00:18:57.759 --> 00:18:58.400
Who were you with?
00:18:58.480 --> 00:18:59.519
What kind of food did you eat?
00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:01.519
What what were all the things you were doing?
00:19:01.680 --> 00:19:02.240
You know what I mean?
00:19:02.319 --> 00:19:06.160
And he was just like, I don't remember, you know, he was just trying, he's like, and he was just blocked.
00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:08.559
He was just, he was emotionally stuck.
00:19:08.799 --> 00:19:12.000
And he was he there was no way that he could will his way out of that.
00:19:12.160 --> 00:19:22.960
You know, like, and I if I I could keep yelling at him and I could say, you know, this isn't hard, or you know, you just need to do it, or you know, and that's I think how probably most leaders act.
00:19:23.039 --> 00:19:27.920
You know, most leaders are not willing to actually like go where the person is and help them have a breakthrough.
00:19:28.160 --> 00:19:31.359
Eventually, it dawned on me that this kid needs help.
00:19:31.519 --> 00:19:42.400
And so I set my phone down, I grabbed my own journal, I sat down at the table with him, and I just I just sat there fully present with him, and I was chilling with him, and I just was trying to work through it with him.
00:19:42.559 --> 00:19:45.680
You know, I was a little more patient, a little bit more compassionate, a little less judgmental.
00:19:45.839 --> 00:19:46.000
Yeah.
00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:50.640
Or really just helping someone in general is it's not something you can rush through.
00:19:50.799 --> 00:19:54.160
And so I just had to be patient and had to help him.
00:19:54.240 --> 00:20:04.480
And eventually I asked him questions and helped him get a little bit of you know movement, and he started to write a sentence, and I would have to help him who wrote another sentence, and eventually, just sitting there with him, you know, he started writing.
00:20:04.559 --> 00:20:08.799
And I, you know, after like 15 minutes, he finished the page and he was so pumped.
00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:13.680
You know, he was excited that that he did something that was difficult, and he did something he didn't think he could do.
00:20:13.839 --> 00:20:17.279
He finished the page, and then ever since then he's been able to do it on his own.
00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:36.480
And so I think that when it comes to leadership, kind of going a lot along the idea of the opposite of addiction is connection, really the opposite of willpower, the opposite of trying to do something alone is doing something together, you know, and so I think that any leader, if they really want to help someone, you know, they've got to go, you know, and be where that person is.
00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:39.119
They can't just try to force the person to do it on their own.
00:20:39.359 --> 00:20:43.279
You know, it's not about the individual kind of showing up, it's about the group.
00:20:43.440 --> 00:20:46.400
It's about you know, it's about connection, it's about doing it together.
00:00:00.400 --> 00:00:05.200
00:00:05.440 --> 00:00:09.119
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:12.800
00:00:13.039 --> 00:00:20.320
00:00:20.559 --> 00:00:28.079
00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:38.560
00:00:38.799 --> 00:00:44.719
00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:47.280
00:00:47.600 --> 00:00:49.520
00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:56.960
00:00:57.359 --> 00:01:02.320
00:01:02.640 --> 00:01:08.400
00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:13.439
00:01:13.680 --> 00:01:15.760
00:01:16.400 --> 00:01:16.879
00:01:16.959 --> 00:01:17.840
00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:18.879
00:01:19.200 --> 00:01:23.200
00:01:23.359 --> 00:01:28.319
00:01:28.480 --> 00:01:29.840
00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:33.280
00:01:33.599 --> 00:01:35.599
00:01:35.760 --> 00:01:49.120
00:01:49.200 --> 00:01:56.400
00:01:56.799 --> 00:02:01.359
00:02:01.439 --> 00:02:03.200
00:02:03.280 --> 00:02:05.680
00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:08.800
00:02:08.879 --> 00:02:13.439
00:02:13.599 --> 00:02:24.639
00:02:24.800 --> 00:02:26.719
00:02:26.800 --> 00:02:27.599
00:02:27.919 --> 00:02:28.159
00:02:28.400 --> 00:02:29.919
00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:34.000
00:02:34.159 --> 00:02:36.400
00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:38.000
00:02:38.159 --> 00:02:51.520
00:02:51.599 --> 00:02:52.800
00:02:53.039 --> 00:03:02.319
00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:14.400
00:03:14.479 --> 00:03:22.879
00:03:23.039 --> 00:03:28.159
00:03:28.319 --> 00:03:36.639
00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:39.759
00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:54.960
00:03:55.120 --> 00:04:04.800
00:04:05.039 --> 00:04:08.879
00:04:09.120 --> 00:04:13.919
00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:17.680
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:19.279
00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:23.120
00:04:23.519 --> 00:04:28.160
00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:30.240
00:04:30.399 --> 00:04:41.839
00:04:41.920 --> 00:04:45.040
00:04:45.199 --> 00:04:53.199
00:04:53.439 --> 00:04:59.040
00:04:59.279 --> 00:05:03.199
00:05:03.360 --> 00:05:15.519
00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:20.560
00:05:20.879 --> 00:05:36.560
00:05:36.720 --> 00:05:38.079
00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:44.879
00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:47.680
00:05:47.920 --> 00:05:52.399
00:05:52.639 --> 00:06:01.199
00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:08.000
00:06:08.160 --> 00:06:11.920
00:06:12.079 --> 00:06:19.360
00:06:19.519 --> 00:06:22.000
00:06:22.079 --> 00:06:25.439
00:06:25.600 --> 00:06:27.519
00:06:27.680 --> 00:06:29.680
00:06:29.920 --> 00:06:36.560
00:06:36.639 --> 00:06:41.839
00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:42.959
00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:44.000
00:06:44.079 --> 00:06:48.160
00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:49.680
00:06:49.839 --> 00:07:00.079
00:07:00.240 --> 00:07:12.399
00:07:12.720 --> 00:07:13.680
00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:20.639
00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:33.279
00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:37.040
00:07:37.199 --> 00:07:40.800
00:07:41.040 --> 00:07:41.839
00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:46.720
00:07:46.879 --> 00:07:50.480
00:07:50.560 --> 00:07:57.680
00:07:57.839 --> 00:08:05.199
00:08:05.600 --> 00:08:06.879
00:08:07.040 --> 00:08:08.560
00:08:08.800 --> 00:08:17.040
00:08:17.199 --> 00:08:24.079
00:08:24.480 --> 00:08:24.879
00:08:25.120 --> 00:08:28.000
00:08:28.160 --> 00:08:30.639
00:08:31.040 --> 00:08:36.799
00:08:36.879 --> 00:08:43.440
00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:47.759
00:08:47.840 --> 00:08:50.960
00:08:51.120 --> 00:08:57.679
00:08:57.919 --> 00:08:58.159
00:08:58.320 --> 00:09:05.360
00:09:05.600 --> 00:09:09.840
00:09:10.080 --> 00:09:12.080
00:09:12.320 --> 00:09:19.679
00:09:19.840 --> 00:09:23.840
00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:28.399
00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:30.480
00:09:30.639 --> 00:09:30.720
00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:33.919
00:09:34.080 --> 00:09:34.639
00:09:34.799 --> 00:09:41.120
00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:45.919
00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:48.480
00:09:48.639 --> 00:09:56.000
00:09:56.240 --> 00:10:02.799
00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:04.720
00:10:04.960 --> 00:10:10.080
00:10:10.320 --> 00:10:21.679
00:10:21.840 --> 00:10:26.879
00:10:26.960 --> 00:10:33.679
00:10:33.840 --> 00:10:37.840
00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:47.279
00:10:47.840 --> 00:10:53.279
00:10:53.519 --> 00:11:01.440
00:11:02.080 --> 00:11:07.519
00:11:07.759 --> 00:11:14.559
00:11:14.879 --> 00:11:17.519
00:11:17.759 --> 00:11:21.759
00:11:21.840 --> 00:11:25.120
00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:27.279
00:11:27.440 --> 00:11:28.159
00:11:28.399 --> 00:11:30.639
00:11:30.879 --> 00:11:36.159
00:11:36.320 --> 00:11:41.679
00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:44.000
00:11:44.080 --> 00:11:46.000
00:11:46.159 --> 00:11:46.320
00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:51.519
00:11:51.679 --> 00:11:55.919
00:11:56.000 --> 00:11:58.799
00:11:58.960 --> 00:12:00.559
00:12:00.639 --> 00:12:02.960
00:12:03.200 --> 00:12:27.120
00:12:27.360 --> 00:12:41.679
00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:44.720
00:12:45.200 --> 00:12:45.279
00:12:45.519 --> 00:12:47.039
00:12:47.279 --> 00:12:54.960
00:12:55.120 --> 00:13:00.240
00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:07.200
00:13:07.360 --> 00:13:10.159
00:13:10.399 --> 00:13:13.759
00:13:13.919 --> 00:13:18.240
00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:24.960
00:13:25.200 --> 00:13:34.320
00:13:34.399 --> 00:13:40.720
00:13:40.799 --> 00:13:43.440
00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:44.000
00:13:44.320 --> 00:13:44.399
00:13:44.480 --> 00:13:44.559
00:13:45.120 --> 00:13:46.799
00:13:46.879 --> 00:13:52.080
00:13:52.320 --> 00:13:58.559
00:13:58.720 --> 00:14:04.639
00:14:04.879 --> 00:14:13.039
00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:15.919
00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:21.600
00:14:21.759 --> 00:14:29.600
00:14:29.679 --> 00:14:34.799
00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:40.399
00:14:40.559 --> 00:14:56.720
00:14:57.039 --> 00:15:07.519
00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:09.679
00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:11.919
00:15:12.000 --> 00:15:13.600
00:15:14.240 --> 00:15:25.039
00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:36.000
00:15:36.240 --> 00:15:39.679
00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:43.919
00:15:44.159 --> 00:15:51.519
00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:58.399
00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:05.679
00:16:05.840 --> 00:16:12.639
00:16:12.799 --> 00:16:24.639
00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:29.840
00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:35.279
00:16:35.759 --> 00:16:40.799
00:16:40.960 --> 00:16:43.039
00:16:43.360 --> 00:16:53.919
00:16:54.240 --> 00:17:01.919
00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:04.240
00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:12.160
00:17:12.400 --> 00:17:18.319
00:17:18.400 --> 00:17:23.119
00:17:23.279 --> 00:17:27.759
00:17:27.920 --> 00:17:39.440
00:17:39.519 --> 00:17:42.400
00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:51.759
00:17:51.920 --> 00:17:58.640
00:17:58.799 --> 00:18:03.119
00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:10.000
00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:13.200
00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:24.559
00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:31.759
00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:35.359
00:18:35.519 --> 00:18:42.880
00:18:43.039 --> 00:18:43.200
00:18:43.440 --> 00:18:49.359
00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:55.759
00:18:55.839 --> 00:18:57.680
00:18:57.759 --> 00:18:58.400
00:18:58.480 --> 00:18:59.519
00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:01.519
00:19:01.680 --> 00:19:02.240
00:19:02.319 --> 00:19:06.160
00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:08.559
00:19:08.799 --> 00:19:12.000
00:19:12.160 --> 00:19:22.960
00:19:23.039 --> 00:19:27.920
00:19:28.160 --> 00:19:31.359
00:19:31.519 --> 00:19:42.400
00:19:42.559 --> 00:19:45.680
00:19:45.839 --> 00:19:46.000
00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:50.640
00:19:50.799 --> 00:19:54.160
00:19:54.240 --> 00:20:04.480
00:20:04.559 --> 00:20:08.799
00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:13.680
00:20:13.839 --> 00:20:17.279
00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:36.480
00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:39.119
00:20:39.359 --> 00:20:43.279
00:20:43.440 --> 00:20:46.400